Opening this Weekend

Blair Witch

Bridget Jones’s Baby

Snowden

Unlocking the Cage

This Weekend’s Box Office Predictions

1. Blair Witch
2. Sully
3. Bridget Jones’s Baby
4. Snowden
5. When the Bough Breaks

What You Should See

Look man, I don’t care how scary the idea of the NSA monitoring every aspect of our (well, their) lives is, I don’t care how accurate or inaccurate this movie is in portraying what really happened, and I don’t care if the broader implications of the whole thing should make us re-evaluate our views of those in charge, nothing is going to make me sit through Joseph Gordon-Levitt’s weird, off-putting, deep-throat-style Snowden voice. God I hate how he sounds in Snowden. That said, I really don’t care about the movie, and, probably, neither should you. I mean, our NSA is just a slo-pitch league. Or maybe that’s what they want us to believe. Either way, not going to see it.

In other new release news, a new Blair Witch is opening a mere 16 years after the last installment, and a new Bridget Jones is opening a mere 12 years after its last installment. I also don’t care. About either. And maybe not anything anymore other than the hate I feel for Joseph Gordon-Levitt’s Snowden voice. That voice is tearing me apart (Lisa)!